I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that this time of my life did not turn out to be anything like I’d imagined. My expectations were not realized, but I wasn’t disappointed. In fact, I’m delighted. My expectation was that this time of life would be an extrapolation of my 40s, 50s, and 60s. Not so. It’s distinctively different.
I’m more relaxed, more fulfilled, happier, more certain, more open to connections, more present, and more secure. A nice surprise. My assumptions about “older” were wrong, and I’m glad they were. But I didn’t arrive at this pleasure-spot quickly. It’s been cooking along for at least eight years.
How I Got Here
The process was kick-started when my wife died. Suddenly alone, I didn’t know what to do with my life. As I mentioned in the ‘Home-page/About’, this blog site emerged from several reflective years. I have a lifelong habit of pushing deep life questions into the back of my head to swirl around until something emerges.
This process works for me. I don’t think any of the important questions of life can be explained with logic, or adequately approached with analysis. It was the process of holding in suspension such fuzzy questions as; “Who am I now?”, “What is important?”, and “What should I do?” that gradually led me to this pleasant situation.
- Is your experience similar? Is being older what you expected, or not? How did you get to where you are? There is no one way. If you tell me your experience of these years, I’ll combine it with others, and publish them (anonymously) in a future blog. I expect we can all learn a lot from each other.
My Previous Assumptions Were Wrong
Maybe my previous assumptions about “older” were off-base because this stage of life is so unlike previous stages, it fell outside of my experience, knowledge, and imagination. I realize I knew little about older people. My grandparents died before I was five. My father and mother died 40 and 30 years ago, far away in Australia.
Maybe being more familiar with older people wouldn’t have made any difference. No matter how much you see or hear about another person’s situation, you don’t really know how it will be for you until you’ve been there. That thought gets me picturing my own future, say, ten years from now.
Part of that not-so-distant picture comes from my closest friend Royal. He died two years ago at 94. Another part comes from my eight years leading a caregiver support group for the Alzheimer’s Association. Several members are in their 90s. I have a good sense of their life, and what they think about.
Future Expectations
I don’t dwell on my long-range future. I know that too many unexpected events will swing through life’s door between now and then. Life willfully works its wonders on us all.
No doubt my body will continue to wrinkle, sag, and weaken, just as I find my values continue to strengthen. My vague expectations from a few decades ago, that these would be my declining years, have not played out – at least with my mind.
I wasn’t expecting the total luxury of spending most of my time doing what makes me feel good — with no pressures of timelines and money. Now, when an every-day-plain-and-simple-unexpected-event appears in my doorway — such as a power outage, an hour-long traffic jam, heart fibrillation, or no-show coffee date —I’m using the opportunity to enjoy the moment, cherishing the unexpected.
Looking for the Unexpected?
Yes, I am. These unexpected opportunities lead to surprising, feel-good, connections. They happen when I’m feeding my backyard goldfish, tending my plants, cleaning the house, seeing friends, puttering at the gym, or meeting strangers while walking on the path beside Corte Madera Creek. I’m now intentionally open for these “unexpected”, but not unanticipated, moments.
I didn’t arrive at this fun place intentionally. How could I? I didn’t know it existed. It happened because I deliberately held some fuzzy, but important questions, suspended in the back of my mind. Analysis didn’t get me here, synthesis did. Now, eight years later, I’m exploring the unexpected.
So that’s where I am with my expectations. I know if I seek and cherish the unexpected, I won’t be disappointed.
- As I mentioned above, I am most curious about your experience with expectations and decisions about this stage of life. Please tell me how the reality of today matched, or didn’t match, your expectations, and how you’re managing these intriguing years. I’ll combine responses, and publish them (anonymously) in a future blog.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you for reading,
me, Barry Phegan
