As Covid-19 vaccinations spread, we are each enjoying tentative moves back to normal — and necessary — ordinary relationships. Here are two recent stories from my family.
Most weekends I’ll visit my nearby daughter and her family. Now that we’ve all had our vaccinations — except for my grandson — I was invited indoors. For the last year, we’ve only met outside, maintaining a social distance. What a change! I hadn’t expected how good that would feel.
What’s on Your Mind?
Later that day my grandson and I went for a walk with their dog. My grandson usually has a particular thought in his mind, a topic to discuss. Often it’s national or state political issues. A few weeks ago it was the wealth tax. This day it was alpha males in different animal species, particularly wolves. I told him my favorite Dian Fossey story about an alpha male silverback gorilla’s ingenious plan to avoid physical conflict with his maturing son.
As we were walking back home my grandson, now exactly my height, slipped his arm around my waist. We haven’t walked like that in over 12 months, and boy, did it feel good. As I wrapped my arm around him, the clock seemed to roll back to 2019. Then he said, “If I was an alpha male I’d hold you like this.” He took his arm out from under mine and put it around my shoulder, something he’s never done before.
Naptime
Later that afternoon, after we’d played a few rounds of Honeymoon Bridge, my grandson thoughtfully asked, “Would you like to take a nap, Grandpa?” (He is super thoughtful and kind.) Now that I was an indoor grandpa he followed with, “Would you like to sleep with our dog?”
I’d never slept with a dog, but I could see my grandson was eager for me to try. I lay down on his bed while he brought in the dog to lie next to me. I expected the dog to fuss, more-or-less what it does when lying on my lap outside. But it snuggled right up against me and lay perfectly still. We both dozed off.
I don’t know how long I slept, but when I opened my eyes my grandson was looking in at us from the door. My daughter also put her head around the corner and smiled. Apparently the dog sleeps with everybody. It knows just what to do.
Intimacy Takes Many Forms
It reminded me of the many ways we experience intimacy, in this case, how much my daughter and grandson enjoyed seeing those they love showing affection.
A friend recently sent me this list of 8 ways to slice and dice intimacy. (There are many similar lists.)
Physical intimacy — you are attracted by the way another person looks, walks, talks.
Aesthetic intimacy — you are excited by the many things you have in common: music, movies, food, home décor.
Recreational intimacy — you enjoy doing many activities together: concerts, snorkeling, tennis — and you enjoy each other’s separate activities.
Intellectual intimacy — you like discussing things you care about, sharing your favorite poems, songs, movies, or books.
Spiritual intimacy — you feel a strong bond around your common ethics, qualities, and morals. You experience yourself as a couple. It has become “We”, not “Me”.
Emotional intimacy — acknowledging and accepting your partner without reservations. You are comfortable revealing yourself without fear of repercussions. You’re not ashamed to show your weak side or to cry in their arms. They would never judge.
Sexual intimacy — you’re open to being exposed around each other with the lights on. You know a few of your partner’s dreams, likes, and dislikes as they relate to sex. You’re not scared. At its best, your sexual intimacy is a part of unconditional intimacy.
Unconditional intimacy — no matter what he or she does, and no matter what happens, you will always love him or her without reservation. You do it because you want to, not because it’s expected.
This list is just one of many ways to separate intimacy’s many forms. For me, intimacy and love are intertwined — impossible to untangle — and terribly important.
A Measure of Life
Another friend recently said that for him the measure of a successful life is how much and how many people you love, and how much and by how many people you are loved.
Sounds pretty good to me. Each day so many opportunities to experience love and intimacy walk in the door. When I notice them, I can enjoy more of what’s most important in our brief allotted time. The feelings of love and intimacy are the best feelings I know.
Thank you for reading.
me, Barry Phegan
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