In these Over 70 years, I cherish doing things that make me feel good — simple enjoyment. High on my feel-good list is the intimacy created by openness, closeness, and being vulnerable. Mostly this intimacy is with family and friends through more honest conversations. Lately, it’s also been while seeking a life partner. At my age, time is short, which inspires me in my search for deeper and more meaningful connection and intimacy.
Hard but Important
Thinking and writing about intimacy like this is difficult, but it’s important to me. I wasn’t brought up being comfortable discussing or expressing feelings. “Stiff upper lip” was the British Victorian tradition my parents passed to me.
I deliberately did not pass that to my children, quite the opposite. Fumbling along as best I could, I intentionally helped them feel comfortable with their bodies and emotions. While my parents never told me they loved me (they believed in showing love through actions) I made a point of frequently telling my children how much I love them. I still do.
While I’d like to experience greater intimacy, I don’t want this desire to become a goal, certainly not a burdensome self-assigned task. I hope to keep it a step-by-step gentle process. Even that can be extremely difficult, as my mind easily jumps to imagined futures and what might go wrong, instead of what is right here and now.
Courage to be vulnerable
Being open to true, deep intimacy takes courage. In my current romantic relationship, I’m both exhilarated by the hope and scared at the danger of being open and vulnerable. It takes time, effort, and most of all, a willing partner. That’s what I’m enjoying now, walking this path with a willing, indeed, enthusiastic partner. Together we’re deliberately exploring aspects like sharing honestly, taking feedback non-defensively, speaking up without (too much) hesitation, and being generous without expectations.
While my fear and excitement about this relationship are ageless (and timeless), it’s wonderful to also include those elements that only come with age: lots of experience, some humility, a little wisdom, and the understanding that, at this age, I’ve got little to lose.
Reflection
It’s easy to postpone things we’d like to do, but at this Over 70 time I ask, “If not now, when?!” The closer we get to life’s end, the more urgent that question. When you’re young, putting off to tomorrow is easy. Now it feels self-deceiving.
So I’m pushing through my fears because on the other side is a better, brighter place — more of the good stuff. It’s not easy, but it is important.
Wish me/us luck.
me, Barry Phegan
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