A friend invited me to join an online Zoom panel titled, “My Philosophy”. I demurred because I wasn’t sure I had a philosophy (of life). It turns out that I do. It’s a set of beliefs about what is a Person, and some insights I have on one particular person, myself. Here’s what I said on the panel:
I am biology plus experience. Everyone on this Zoom call shares similar genes, but what we do with them depends on the culture we were raised in, our childhood and family, and then our accumulated life experiences.
Genetic Inheritance
– We share many inherited behaviors with all animals, such as the fight-flight-freeze response.
– We share with other primates a fascination with conflict, anxiety about our place in the authority structure, and the needs and desires of belonging to family and tribe.
– We share with other Homo Sapiens, the capacity for speech, abstract thought, self-awareness, and the flexibility to adapt to our particular culture’s beliefs and norms.
We are born with that genetic skeleton, and decorate it with our personal experiences.
My Experience
I was born and raised in Sydney, Australia. It’s where I learned my cultural truths and values. In my early 20s I traveled in the middle east, Asia, and lived for some years in Sweden and Canada before coming to the United States. Each country had its own special cultural beliefs — what it means to be a person and a nation.
For example, I was raised to believe we should “do the right thing” and act for the common good. In my late 20s, I defaulted to The Golden Rule — when I was uncertain what to do. For me, the rule is, “We should behave in such a way, that if everybody behaved that way, we would all be better off.” It’s been a useful maxim for 50 years.
We are each a collection of wants, desires, needs, hopes, fears, and longings. We show these by what we do and don’t do, and what we say and don’t say. Like any human, my life has been propelled by my wants. I want to leave Australia and see the world. I want to get married. I want to go to graduate school. I want to listen to this music. I want to improve the world. I want to be liked and appreciated. I want fish for dinner. I want to love and be loved.
Where these wants spring from and why is a mystery. I have some rationalizations about them, but I know that reasoning is often deceiving. As Hamlet said;
“And thus the native hue of resolution,
Is sickled o’er with the pale cast of thought.”
In modern language:
Too much thinking gets in the way of concrete certainty — our direct knowledge of feelings.
I’ve learned to jump in and trust the natural unfolding of life. What counts is not so much what happens, but how I connect my wants to what walks in life’s door. But all too often I don’t even notice what walks in my door. And when I do notice the walk-in, I next have to realize it’s an opportunity. That’s quite another issue. Here’s a biggie.
Trusting Myself
When my wife died in 2012 from dementia, I felt lost, and deliberately put my brain on hold. I’ve learned that if I put a thought or question into my head and let it sit quietly, I’ll get a reply. Sometimes it comes the next day, sometimes months later. With my wife’s death all my hopes, plans, and expectations went out the window. I asked myself, “What should I do now?” I thought four months was probably enough, but the answer didn’t take that long.
Within six weeks what came back was simple and obvious, “Do what makes you feel good.” I knew immediately what that meant. Most of all I loved playing with my grandchildren.
So I volunteered two mornings a week at a local school, working with kindergartners and first graders. It’s been a very good 8 years.
The children are from Latino families. Many of their parents are illegal immigrants. I help these young students with their reading and math. That became the doorway to something much more important. I learned to help them feel appreciated and self-confident. Together we share love and our joy of learning.
Does life get any better than the intimacy of human sharing and enjoyment?
70 and Older Time
Now, as I approach the end of my life, I’m fascinated by my loose ends, those unresolved conflicts and fears from my past that block my freedom to be open, to be vulnerable. Exploring them takes effort and digging.
This time is more satisfying than I ever imagined. I have a little wisdom, financial freedom, a loving family, some patience, and I’m working on self-forgiveness, accepting that I’m more-or-less OK as is.
Life is good. Enjoy it! If not now, when?
Please give me your ideas or suggestions on this or other blogs. I do appreciate your feedback.
Thank you.
me, Barry Phegan
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