Loneliness is a national epidemic and it’s killing us. Social isolation is more lethal than smoking 15 cigarettes a day. It increases inflammation, heart disease, dementia, and death rates. It’s linked to our opioid epidemic and soaring suicide rates. Despite doing all of the suggested activities that counteract this problem, I’m lonely too. It’s not easy to be public about this vulnerable feeling, but I believe doing so is part of the solution.
Doing everything “right” is still not enough.
I do a lot. I’m busy. I’m connected to my community and family and do meaningful volunteer work. Yet somehow this isn’t enough to keep from feeling lonely. The missing piece is a close romantic relationship, but it’s not for lack of trying.
Being single and actively dating for eight years teaches you a lot. I’ve learned about myself and clarified what I want with a partner, such as patience, kindness, and listening. We don’t need to have everything in common. Different interests, particularly if they are passionate, are icing on the cake.
After looking for closeness for years without success, and the recent end of yet another relationship, I wonder, am I doing something wrong? Trying too hard? Looking in the wrong place? For the wrong person? Is something about me getting in the way? I don’t know yet, but I’m actively inquiring because this is extremely important to me.
On the national level, American culture praises independence as a virtue. When carried too far, independence leads to loneliness and isolation. We don’t get nearly enough physical and emotional contact in our culture, even when we’re busy! That’s so sad, particularly when scientists have shown what we intuitively know, that touch and good health go together.
Gary Chapman discusses touch in his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, describing ways we can best show and receive love with our partner. His clinical experience taught him that if our personal mix of these needs is not met, a loving relationship can’t flourish. The ways are:
- Words of Affirmation — verbal compliments, words of appreciation, gratitude.
- Quality Time — giving someone your undivided attention, listening.
- Receiving Gifts — visual material symbols of love, or time together doing something important.
- Acts of Service — doing things you know your partner would like you to do for her or him.
- Physical Touch — in ways your partner appreciates.
The three that top my list are, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. I’m charmed by gifts and acts of service, but for me, they don’t come close to the first three.
What next? A plan-B for beating loneliness.
Time is never wasted, but it is running out. From every relationship, we learn something new about our self, other people, and what we need. But I am disappointed. What might I do differently to change the situation? After all, if something isn’t working, try something else.
Perhaps concentrating on staying in the present, will also help. Note to Self — Stop worrying. Deep breath. Let go. Return to the present.
Writing is an adventure and an important way that I try to understand myself. Going public with these explorations sometimes takes bravery. I know “The difference between bravery and stupidity is marginal,” but I’m stepping out, sharing how our national challenge of loneliness plays out for me.
Thank you for reading along with me. As always, I’d appreciate and value your comments, thoughts and experiences — and suggestions.
me, Barry Phegan
